chaos turned to clarity: an opening into truth

Opening a wound made of shame = painful.

Feeling gratitude for the wisdom revealed = worth opening.

My journey into adulthood began like many. Hopeful. My career took off and so did my baby making. I had created more financial stability than I'd ever experienced. And then came motherhood, unprepared, but fueled with a purpose beyond anything I could have imagined. I experienced many of the culturally dictated achievements of what life is "supposed" to look like from the outside. I got the house(s), 9 in fact over 12 years, the marriage, two kids, living in the suburbs. There I was, with a life I had only dreamed of. External world manifested. Check.

But my inner world is where the story gets juicy. She was a force with another plan all together. Turns out she had been the one calling and steering me all along.

I devoured and voraciously gathered information, insight and inspiration via books and online mediums incessantly. This art of consumption soothed me into feeling less alone in my depths, but the void always remained to be filled. Ravenous summed up my seeking. And into vicious cycles of disappointment, retracting, doubt, elation, desire, pitfall, and deep despair. "WHEN does the seeking journey plateau in paradise?"

I recognized my divergent and sabotaging tendencies, but seemed helpless to stop myself.

Like many seekers, there isn't much I hadn't peeked into. My source to connection was first bred in the pews of a Southern Baptist Church. Stepping outside this paradigm/culture set me off on a chase ongoing. For the first time after hearing Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh; I felt Truth in my body. I was 15. But no one around me seemed to feel what I felt, care or resonate with the same message.

My explorations for freedom and belonging further led me to the underbelly of the party scene. I sensed other people involved in this same drug game we're having a much different experience. Why did it feel like they were unaffected from these temporary highs? I only grew more weary and hungry to find the truth.

I was insatiable. Once Google came along my obsession for knowledge took an all-new turn. While breast-feeding and showing houses I pondered "the underground search". Was I really present to my life outside? Not most of the time. Seeking the point became more important than living it. Who is God? They say this, that workshop (hundreds), this healer, that therapist...they all give their version of truth. It all led me through a beautifully chaotic storm, until I finally saw and FELT for myself the truth from the illusion.

I found myself wondering, why change that which you elect to participate in? I am running right alongside a society I feel I don't belong. Following its rules for staying in the race. Why? There lies the battle; I am receiving a 'sense' of belonging at the expense of being seen for what I really think, what I really feel, and who I really am.

AND still everyday, I live with a desire to change our deadened society; to ease us into loving life within a new paradigm. I am only beginning to learn what works through my own desire to create a shift in my own life.

I followed many curiosities in said search, looking for answers to existence in a variety of rabbit holes. Its always felt like when I got there I would know, the answer would be clear, that 'this' was my way to be in the world, or you are now worthy because you created "x".

And then one morning, asking the benevolent universe to give me a sign, I drew a card from one of my go-to decks for inspiration [TRUTH BOMBS By Danielle LaPorte]; it read: "So much is a cry for love". This message came like a dagger through my heart. I had been aching for guidance around what to do with my life. I sat there, filled with joy and sadness, thinking, "Dear God. I know. It's all a cry for love…"

This shook me open to a personal core belief that was reeking havoc all over my life. Deep down I believed love wouldn't pay my bills or provide me the monetary compensation I needed to feel worthy. Nor would anything, just for the sake of love be a valuable endeavor. Ouch. I knew as a child that love and true intimacy (in to me you see), was all I longed for. But it was given only "as best they could". Surviving was the priority, "Gotta work to take care of you". And "I'm not good enough myself to love you…you’ll figure it out".

Why does our survival have to take precedence over our higher evolution? There must be a tipping point where we realize our collective cannot sustain itself without a genuine openness toward one another into trust for the sake of returning to love.

This realization drove my yearning to open my heart in the presence of others, to be real, and live with intention behind the support of people who see me.

My path up to now has really been to see myself. I haven't always perceived my seeking with this purpose, but how better to hold space for others to be seen (loved) than to get real with yourself.

The incessant looking for and accumulating of insight reached a breaking point. Many in fact. Each crisis led me on a different path. From retreats to biofeedback therapy. From antidepressants to stroller strides, from chiropractics to acupuncture, from workaholism to hermitude. I wanted the cure-all and done. Why did I need to get to the breaking point in order to discover a better way? From Veganism and Paleo to "The-whatever-I feel like" diet. From A New Earth to Desire Maps...both of which I initiated meet-ups that proved to be life-altering, but the groups fizzled out without my keeping the group going. I started thinking my explorations must be a thing/disorder…am I a spiritual swinger and is ayahuasca the next level? Maybe another post for another day...

At the peak of my searching I had become this longing, hurting and repressed bundle of joy. My inner world was given only limited permission outside the walls of my body. I was not open about this part of my ocean. Until now.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

The repression is over. My soul is out of the closet. My emotions could no longer be held in my body. From solitary meditation practice to feeling like I 'want' to be institutionalized, from somatic therapy to cranio-sacral healing, from lucid dreaming to holotrophic breath-work, from couples counseling to shadow work...the inquisition went deep. The journey has been eclectic.

I led a split life. I was living one identity on the outside, while my internal world played out fuming below the surface. I've kept this internal calling within, while sustaining my 'normal' outer identity to feel apart of humanity. How do both my outside experience and my internal world come together? Could being authentic with each other be the portal that connects us all…the door that opens us up to our wholeness.

To liberate my voice I can say, “Here I am; what is living within me is ‘the Fraud’ and ‘the Authentic’". As the pendulum swings within me, I desire nothing more than to open my arms and trust the ride. What does humanity desire? Freedom? Can we ride through the highs and the lows, trusting and surrendering that we are always embraced. I desire to live an embodiment of this vision. I can reflect on my past and see that I've been on a neurotic war path or was it a miraculous healing journey? Truth appears in the eye of the beholder. I choose to be here, as I am, wherever that takes me.

I contain both the lost and the found within me. In this moment, I have no idea who I will be or through which path I will take to become more of myself. I could define this confusion as insanity, but I've learned. I've learned not to let any one state of being or decision define me. I continue to practice in whatever way or choice that leads me into deeper connection with my True Self. The True Self that knows I DESIRE to be of service.

I DESIRE my life to be fueled by passion and clarity.

I DESIRE to experience life where the quality of my relationships are an indication of the authenticity and trust I give to life.

One step at a time, I am beginning to feel connected to my own truth. And the truth is we are all interconnected. The more I learn about myself, the more I learn about us. We're all in this together. I commit to being myself and holding the space for you to honor the same.

One thing I know without doubt; without connection to each other we can never fulfill our grandest potential.

With deep love and gratitude for life...