gravity of the heart

**An intimate dive into the world of the child living within.

I came to see her as the song I had yet to hear.

The voice I had yet to feel as truly part of me.

It’s part of ‘my story’. This was me; a child going through divorce between parents across states.

Buried beneath the depths of worldly conditioning, pain and unspent joy…she thrives with a message that has forever opened me up to a fearless heart. This journey has taken me from heartache to healing, to understanding our vulnerability as true grace and life as a beautiful art form to remember who we are. **

She was small. What did she want?

To share the gift of love with her mother and father.

To be loud and proud of life.

To be carefree in nature.

To hold truth close.

To share her vibrance very intimately.

To connect with other souls who shared her longing and wonder.

As a baby, she was adored by many.

Dressed up and watched for time to be spent.

Things constantly moving, being shuffled around.

Wanting to play, but being told how.

When she wanted, it was no. She would pout for her way; it felt nobody cared. She just wanted a say. She felt prized, but why? Why was she prized when it was “no”, and “stop that”? She was cute with her wrinkled nose and her sass; a beautiful smile, but hidden pain lived inside. She seemed loved by possession.

She simply longed for attention…

attention that saw her beauty within.

She wanted to be desired for WHO she was, not WHAT she was. She was closed up so tight and scared to act out.

Why is she controlled; no say from her heart?

“Feelings only hurt you. Don’t let them see.

Be a good little girl, so YOU can for once have some peace.”

What she wanted so bad, she wasn’t quite sure. It was something way out there; but she couldn’t quite grasp. She found her smarts and performances well-played gave her recognition and praise. She was worthy of something; she was making them proud. She didn’t understand her parents’ life ways, but didn’t dare question and went along ever which way.

She had a new mommy, now two, that felt strange. Who was she loving and now why did they care? She was pampered with “lets make her perfect” and watch her do what we say. The child doesn’t know what’s acceptable; let’s show her, then turn away.

Love would be given at hello and goodbye and sometimes for show. She was loved with all the love they could give. She longed for her mother, even though she felt sad. With her mother, she felt connected and understood, even through the silence. Why couldn’t her mom take her and together be free? She hurt; she was missing that love that was once had, but then stole. Her mom was in chains; her dad held on for dear life. She stood in the middle unable to cry. She felt scared and alone, but kept herself strong to prove her goodness and make them see she only wanted to please. Where were the good times together, when was there joy? The joy seemed enmeshed in bittersweet memories. Hard to remember the good without also feeling sad. The hellos were pure love, yet saying hello too meant saying goodbye to another. She was told and it felt too exposing to ball out her eyes, so she held it inside till the joy of hello on the other side brought her back to all smiles. Little did she realize, when in came the joy, so too came the pain, fighting for time. The joy seemed to diminish, just like the pain.

Over time the internal war seemed to settle.

All feelings were in check; now with little to emote.

Her mind was the guardian; the keeper of feelings that weren’t fit to be out. Her mind gave her words that distracted from pain and let her feel connected to something within her control. Her mind ranted, “do this and do that”, and you won’t need to feel sad. She knew she was good, so her mind must be true; it was there to protect her from a life that felt pain. Determined to be ‘true’, she shut down her feelings and let her mind lead the way. The bond was established; the king had been crowned, what was thought became truth. A path was carved through. Her intentions were led with, “make it perfect”, “get it right”…“hold your opinions as fact”.

If you asked her heart questions, it would likely swell up and pour out its eyes.

The heart wasn’t touched.

The mind was engaged.

The mind was a refuge for the pain that couldn’t escape and be heard. It was okay; the mind was superior and protected her heart. Her mind set up shop. “You like this and not that; the world may not friend you, just get what you can…it’s only you that can do it”.

Her mind was a warrior; always on guard.

The mind was the filter, is this good or bad, right or wrong?

If her mind formed its barriers, she couldn’t get hurt.

She didn’t know that the walls she was building also barred out the joy. It was comfy and cozy; inside she felt safe, but outside dealt her fear. “Keep up your walls, with your thoughts and opinions; nothing will disturb your inner sanctuary.” It was her against the world. She railed against it all – – not outwardly but inside. Life felt unfair, people telling her what to do; how stupid could they be, for only her way was best.

In the dungeon, beneath her guarding mind, still thrived her heart, longing to feel free. She felt her heart in impulses to feel pain and seek escape from repression. Church too was a catalyst to the guard [mind] and her heart. Her mind absorbed all the dogma, “do this and you’re good”; “do that and you’re doomed”. But her heart was stirred open when God given wisdom pierced beyond mind into soul. She knew there was something, a Spirit, a feeling that ignited true flames. Still years past through her with the mind raging on, “you’re safe with me, don’t listen to feelings or give into pain. Act like you know all; be brave and stand tall.”

Her heart kept on weeping and begging to know…what’s it like outside these chamber walls?

What’s it like experiencing life, without predictable nuances and robotic expectations?

Her mind crumbled truly with persistence of heart.

Overflowing with a life pent up…

gravity became the fuel for release.

The layer of walls mortared with “be good, let’s stay hidden…” came crashing down loudly and out came her voice. “It’s time to be real and be YOU to live free.” All of you. Mind, Heart, Body, Soul. Embrace life to the fullest.

** Reflecting within my inner child perspective brought life-shattering clarity.

She shed light on love’s grace.

The moments of our life are all steps in the journey. Like layers, we use our experiences to unravel our essence. I see radically now the lesson of my saga’s unfolding.

On your knees you will see, it’s not the fight that sets you free. It’s life natural beauty coming true piece by piece. It’s GRAVITY. It’s GOD. It’s LOVE on a mission to breath life through each day. Sometimes you’re blind, other times you’re wide open…no matter the state, LOVE is there drawing you HERE.

Thank God for my sadness, my abandonment and my vulnerable heart. Without this piece of my life, how would I have felt my truth so deeply and fully?

Darkness and Light. From head to my heart; I am thankful for this journey. It is truly a gift to feel and embody an awareness of gratitude with full self-expression.

Alive. Loved. Onward. **